In an effort to educate the common man, I, Honester Ciphers, endeavor to share my vast world knowledge by profiling the countries of the world (in alphabetical order). These profiles will include the most important facts and figures about each country, far surpassing (in importance and accuracy) the “facts” of questionable origin shared by such outfits as the Central Intelligence Agency.

It is my sincere hope that you, dear reader, will use these facts to engage the natives of these countries in learned conversation when you happen upon them in your own sleepy hamlet or when venturing abroad.

Afghanistan

Location: Central Asia (a.k.a. Asia’s “Koran Belt”)

Size: A few thousand square miles, roughly the size of New England, minus Rhode Island

Population: 3 million people, 2 million dogs, 250,000 Soviet Army retirees, and roughly 4,000 NATO and US soldiers

Language: Primarily English, some tribal dialects including variants of Urdu, Malayalam, Farsi, Arabic, Russian, and Thai

Religion: Primarily Islamic with localized resurgences of Evangelical Christianity and Mormonism

Government: Neo-colonial holding of NATO with Hamid Karzai as the current MCP (Most Convenient Potentate)

Capital: Officially Kabul despite a popular movement to change it to Kandahar due to that city’s popularity with Western media

National Anthem: Funky Town

Currency: Euro

National Motto: “First in Afghans, and the first ‘Stan’”

Tourist Attractions: World’s largest blanket factory (Kandahar); Kandahar Kite Konvention (June/July); Kabul Hippodrome and Croquet Center; world’s largest network of man-made caves and armed bomb shelters (Afghanistan/Pakistan border region)

Notable Facts:

  • In a state of emergency in October 2001, the the previous Taliban government ceded control of the country to CNN for three weeks until NATO and its allies could install an MCP.
  • Afghanistan’s national motto was chosen from thousands of entries submitted by Eastern European schoolchildren in 2004.
  • The Kandahar Visitor’s Center, when completed in 2010, will consist of 20 luxury hotels, 10 casinos, a laser light-show arena, hundreds of restaurants, and the world’s largest neon sign.
  • The return of poppy crops (for heroin purposes) boosted the Afghan economy so significantly that it was unanimously admitted as a member of the European Union in August 2003.
  • Afghanistan’s most popular baby names of 2007 were Stan (boys) and Britney (girls).